Building Generation K (Kindness)

On June 1, 1991, a racially motivated attack left a schoolmate unconscious and on life support. While I didn’t know the victim personally, the event still sends chills as I recall this act of hate.

The victim, a seventeen-year-old black male, Jermaine Ewell, was attacked because he was speaking to a white female. The assailant, Shannon Siegel, was convicted and sent to a maximum prison facility for thirteen years. At the time, there were many articles published about this event. A documentary, Beyond the Boardwalk was created. In the end, somehow, Jermaine found it in his heart to forgive his assailant and even spend time with him after he was released from prison. One may wonder, how was it possible for him to forgive?

In this article Jermaine lends some insight.

"We did what we did to move forward and make the best of the situation. It's something spiritual within me that even I don't understand," Ewell told News 12.

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For Jermaine, it was his spirituality that led to greater kindness, compassion and ultimately forgiveness. This story remains imprinted in my mind; particularly as we try to understand acts of hate and violence that have surfaced over the years.

In today’s world, not only do we continue to witness large acts of hatred, but children are being bullied at younger ages every day on the playground and through social media. How can our culture move towards greater understanding of one another, both celebrating our differences while embracing our similarities?

Mental health and educational professionals are seeking ways to increase kindness, compassion and empathy. Countless books, articles, and research suggest that building a culture of empathy will improve intimacy, relationships, job satisfaction, and improve overall social emotional well being. Despite this, as discussed in the book, UnSelfie by Michele Borba, Ed.D. empathy is on the decline while narcissism is on the rise. The more I work with families, the more I discover the rising need to teach empathy practices.

Some children are born with a natural affinity towards empathy while others need to have this skill taught. Whether innate or taught, empathy is critical to one’s growth, development and perspective taking. Below are some ways to foster greater kindness, empathy and compassion.

• Spirituality: Spirituality can be in the form of religion but it can also be part of embracing one’s surroundings and placing less emphasis on material items. Along with spirituality, try incorporating gratitude practices into your daily routines.

• Communal Responsibility: Communal responsibility can range from small acts of kindness such as greeting our neighbors, to helping those around us. Each time the snow fell this year, I watched my neighbor go across the street with his snow blower to clear the driveway of a neighbor unable to do this himself. This simple act embodies the essence of communal responsibility.

• Inclusivity: Tune into those outside the group and make efforts to bring them into the fold. Parents should consider going outside their comfort zone to speak to a new person in the community. Bake a cake with your child and deliver it to the new neighbor on the block.

• Be Vulnerable: The more we allow ourselves to be vulnerable in front of our children, the more we demonstrate that we are not perfect people. Embracing our mistakes helps guide our future. Sharing feelings in an appropriate way is the best model for emotional regulation, communication and building healthy relationships.

• Build independence and responsibility: When we allow our children to have greater independence, we in turn increase their self-confidence and self-reliance. Children who share in household chores feel they are a part of a greater whole. It is by building this muscle that our children begin to look more outward vs. maintaining the what’s in it for me mentality.

• Unplug: What better message can you give than the gift of undivided attention, being present to listen and experience life with your children. Often parents sit with their children but are looking at their phone. When we are scrolling, our experiences become individual vs. familial. Further, much of the content that children are exposed to have negative impact on their mental health.

• Volunteer: Consider taking your child to the ASPCA, making a meal for someone or helping in a local food pantry. Even during the pandemic, there are ways to safely help others. In NYC, refrigerators have popped up on the street as part of a grassroots effort to help feed those who are in need of food. Families can prepare a meal and have a contactless delivery using these refrigerators.

The very essence of empathy begins with leading by example. I am humbled by Jermaine’s ability to use his spirituality to let go of anger, and open his heart to forgiveness; thus allowing compassion, kindness and empathy to flow. I suspect that is what allowed him to heal, both in the physical and emotional realm. Let’s all pledge to start each day with the intention to let go of negative energy and rather focus on the virtues that will allow our children greater emotional intelligence. Perhaps then, we will be on the road to Generation K…..kindness!